Such is this digital age that there are people whom I've never met in real life of whom I'm nonetheless fond. They are people I've interacted with in online forums and such on a regular enough basis that I think I know just a little about them and they about me. And I want for them to be happy as much as I want that for anyone.
It's also the case that one of my motivations for going onto these forums is to evangelize Unitarian Universalism. That doesn't mean preaching at people that UU is the right faith and that everyone should come. Of course not. But I am mindful of being "out there" openly as a Unitarian Universalist, to (hopefully) make a good impression, and to answer any questions that might arise. Every now and then someone tells me that they are going to check out their local UU congregation and I say, great! (If it turns out that it's not for them, that's fine too.)
But this week I had a pang of conscience. An online "friend" of mine, after relating several substantial stresses that are going on in his life, said:
"I've decided I need to go to church. I need a support group."
And my initial reaction was not "Great!" What I actually thought to myself was, "Huh, I'm not sure you're going to find what you need in a UU congregation."
I do think that UU is wonderful and worth sharing; otherwise I wouldn't be a part of it. But when I'm "evangelizing" about how great UU is, I'm more thinking about our "free and responsible search for truth and meaning" and our commitment to social justice work. If you come to us, you will be met (for the most part) with respect and acceptance of differences. If you are part of a marginalized group, you will find understanding and encouragement.
But what if you just want comfort and support when you're going through a rough spot in your life? I searched my brain for the experiences I'd had at church and most of what I could come up with was people engaging me in interesting conversations and giving me opportunities to engage in social justice issues. I could not picture - and I love my UU church very much - fellow congregants giving me support when I was stressed or down. I've sought and received it from my ministers, yes. There is a caring table where people sign cards, yes. And we share joys and concerns during the service, yes. And there are always those few people who seem to know and care about everyone... maybe it's just me that's making too big a deal out of this.
I of course didn't talk him out of going to visit his local UU church this Sunday. For all I know he'll find exactly what he needs there and I worried for nothing. But knowing that we are not always the friendliest bunch when it comes to welcoming strangers, I asked him to let me know how it goes. And in the meantime, I am disturbed by the fact that a friend told me that he wants to join a UU church and I experienced reservations on his behalf.
I meant to respond to this
I meant to respond to this when you first posted it, and somehow the intention never turned into action.
I think the answer to your question depends a whole lot on the individual congregation..its size, history, mission, etc. My congregation formed less than 15 years ago out of a playgroup, and is a wonderful community of 125 people in terms of the "close social club" sense. We're one of the friendliest congregations in the area, and almost every sorrow expressed in "Joys and Concerns" yields multiple responses of caring and support. During both my pregnancies, both of which had minor complications, my congregation was an indispensable substitute for my family. I'm also familiar with other nearby congregations that are larger, older, and more mission-centered; they're less family-like but more vibrant and offer much more for the spiritual seeker.
(Are you familar with the categorization of Family, Pastoral, Program, Corporate churches by the Alban Institute? It's based somewhat on size, and I suspect your church falls into one of the latter two categories whereas mine is the first trying to become the second)
The flip side of a family church is that we're very conflict-avoidant, focus on keeping everyone comfortable all the time, and offer very little for those seeking spiritual growth. I believe there is always a tension between two commonly expressed UU goals; we want to have a caring community where people are comfortable, but we also want to challenge ourselves to better live out our principles. Sometimes these seem at odds with each other. I've become somewhat of a persona non grata since beginning anti-racism efforts and shattering the myth of this supposedly bright and happy inclusive community, for taking people outside the comfort zone they'd come to rely on. I'm in the process of examining whether this is still my community, or whether I now want a place that's maybe less supportive of my personal needs but more supportive of my spiritual growth.
I can empathize with someone
I can empathize with someone who is looking for a community to join. Perhaps your online "friend" has been to other churches in the past and has some preconceived notions of what it should be like.
I could use a support group too. For me, church has always been like a big family. Everyone is my brother or sister. We have potluck dinners. When someone moves we all pitch in to carry boxes and furniture. We visit the sick. We all volunteer and take part in running and maintaining the church. When someone's computer was down I would stop by and fix it. When I needed something, someone would know someone who could hook me up. I'm not a believer anymore, but I still want that type of community. I'm still getting to know the UU congregation in Wilmington. So far I have the impression that it will be whatever I make of it. I plan on getting involved in as many things as I can. I feel a bit empty without a community. Like a chunk of myself is missing. Since I left my previous church I've been trying to exist in a vacuum when in reality we're all interdependent. I've always been quiet and shy, and church was my way of meeting new friends. The members there seem a little shy too, but they'll all get to know me in due time. There's alot of great people there.
I'm under the impression that Unitarian Universalism is all about community. All of the principles tell me that we are all part of the same family, we're all in this together, and that we should be United Universally in love and freedom. I saw this clearly during flower communion. We all have a desire to reach out to others, but we live in a very impersonal culture right now. I don't even know my own neighbors so I drive across town to meet people at church.
On the other hand, coffee time is mostly about going around to the different tables set up to buy booster cards and sign up for different causes. I've found it more satisfying to meet with smaller groups like the social justice group or the newbies in roots class. Building relationships takes alot of one on one or small group time. It's hard to do that in coffee time.
Spiritually, I'm in need of some guidance. I'm not sure what UU has to offer in that respect, but at least I'm free to explore every path I want. I'm hoping for opportunities to learn from the diversity of the members there, share my own ideas, and even be challenged from time to time.
Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about that guy needing a support group. I'm sure there's alot more going on below the surface he hasn't mentioned yet.